The excruciating pains of learning Japanese

Hello, dear random people I've never met. 

Now that we're over the boring and lame trip to Shikoku, we can talk about real stuff. There are so many things to say here, so many different aspects of the Japanese culture to introduce and to critisize, it's too much, I can't choose...

I don't feel like making fun of the Japanese people and their weird way of thinking and being, so I'll just trash the Japanese language instead. And tell you how infuriating it is to try to learn it. Gather around and open up your ears, children. (but don't worry, I'll make fun of the Japanese people next time).

The Japanese language feels like a peaceful melody to my ears, after years of German torture, and the grammar is relatively easy to understand and to learn. So what's the problem? 2 things for you. The kanjis. And the different levels of politeness. 

 

1/ Learn the kanjis (or die trying)

So basically, and I assume you know nothing about the Japanese language here, the Japs use kanjis and 3 alphabets. Well, technically they don't really use the 3rd one, the romaji, it's just for transliteration for names of shops or companies. So let's focus on the kanjis and the 2 other weirdos. 

The Japanese language is a mix of the 3: they use kanjis (pictograms having one meaning or refering to one specific thing), link them together with hiragana and if they are some English or foreign words involved, they will be written in katakana. 

What, you're not following me? Jeez, I'm giving you a free lesson about the Japanese language so the least you could do is pay attention, don't you think? Ok, I'll make an effort this time and show you an example. 

Quoted from the Japanese Wikipedia article 'International Whaling Commission'

 

Just look at each sign. Can you tell the difference? Quick tip, if you have headaches just from looking at it, chances are high it will be a kanji. Yop, these little suckers are weird. They were imported from China a looooooooooong time ago (or more than that, I forgot) - and there are about 50 000 in the Japanese language. Calm down! In order to survive daily life you are supposed to know about 2000 (!). And with 500 kanjis you'll understand about 60% of  a Wikipedia article about the Greenpeace actions in Japan, for instance. I know about 20. 

The best part about those little basta*** is that a kanji can be pronounced in different ways. And have different meanings. And some just look the same. Try learning that! Well, they can go to hell if they want my advice. Ok, there is one good thing: you can make your way around without kanjis. This awful and disturbing sentense: 京都 　の　大学　は　面白い　です。 can also be written in hiragana:　きょうと　の　だいがく　は　おもしろい　です。Much better, right? 

Because the hiragana and katakana are real sillabary alphabets, that you can learn easily, provided you have a functional brain, which is rare nowadays.

So why on Earth did they feel the urge to mix all of them? Was it because the Japanese were hipsters and anti-mainstream, and didn't want people to think they are followers of China? Or because they just wanted to be a massive pain in the a**? 

Actually it's because they started using Chinese characters that were not really fitting the Japanese language: Chinese is just ugly and weird, whereas Japanese is more sophisticated and refined; also because Japanese use prepositions that don't come as kanji-to-go. So they created the round and cute hiragana, and later on, the sharp and deadly katakana. 

So, a few advices while reading (or pretending you are) a Japanese text:

- if it's cute, round, has less than 4 lines: congratulations! It's a hiragana.

- if it's sharp, deadly, has less than 4 lines: congratulations! It's a katakana.

- if it has a lot of small lines, if it looks complicated, if they conglomerate: it's´a kanji. Pass your way or open Google Translate.

- if you can read it without any problem (provided you can read the roman alphabet): it's romaji! Have a good laugh, because generally, it won't make much sense. See this: 

Say what?

Anyway. So much about the kanjis: you just need to learn them, and then you're good. But now comes the funny part: the damn well-know politeness of the crazy Japanese people that prevents you from having normal conversations. 

2/ Politeness is for suckers

Yes. Because you can sweat your a** off to learn your vocabulary, learn the grammar, practice in front of your mirror and all of this for what? Des nèfles! as we say in France. I knew it before but I first experienced it here, while hitchhiking and talking to random people, old and young: there are different registers of Japanese: über-formal, formal, polite, casual+, casual/friendly, and my all time favourite, the yakuza style. 

Ok, I'm going a bit too far, there. But there are at least 4 levels, using a different vocabulary and different synthax. I know what you uptight morons will say: each language has its own levels of polite style. Just stop, you're making a fool of yourself, I'll answer: each language, except the hard but nevertheless beautiful Japanese language, use a common base with a few variations corresponding to the social situation of the speakers. And in Japan, IT ALWAYS F***** DEPENDS! There is no common base. You can meet older people who will talk to you in a casual and colloquial way, while some other old farts will speak with you in the pedantic style. And then people of your age will use the polite/neutral register, or the casual style.

It's not that hard to switch from neutral/polite style to casual, but if you are used to certain words and certain sentence patterns, it's kind of irritating to have to switch. Especially if you can't: our textbook teaches us the polite/neutral form; I get most of the casual form, but I'll keep answering in a polite way. Which is quite ridiculous.

Here's an example of the different levels (meaning: what are you doing?)

Über-pedantic: Nani o nasaimasu ka? 

Neutral / polite: Nani o shimasu ka?
Casual: Nani o suru ka?
Yakuza / bad boyz style: Nani o shiyagare, temee? 

So that's it. You talk to some people and you more or less understand what they say, you start mixing polite/neutral with casual, and at some point it doesn't make much sense anymore and you get kicked out of formal dinners with the Ambassador because you said 'pass the salt, bro'. This neverending quest is hopeless!