Organising (and ruining) your Trans-Siberian train experience

Hey loves!

Now is the time for you to learn more about taking the Trans-Siberian train. Yes, yes, it's a life changing experience and I'm so lucky to have done it - what ever. Spare me your boring comments and let me handle the talking, will you? 

So, basically I took it from Vladivostok to Irkutsk, spend one day at the Baikal lake, then from Irkutsk to Moscow. Wait, I'm not starting properly. There are many other routes: the mainstream people will take the Trans-Mongolian route, from Beijing to Moscow through Ulan-Bator; the weirdos will take the Trans-Mandchourian route (same same but different: just not going through Mongolia) and the real travellers, fearless, dary (and too cheap to get visas for both China and Mongolia) will board the Trans-Siberian train in Vladivostok. And there are some others routes within the Trans-Siberian route. What's not to follow? 

Here's a map to stay focused (for the mentally challenged people in the audience): 

Courtesy of yourmother.com 

I knew I would take the train and not the plane back home - yes, excuse me if I have a soul - but was a bit reluctant to the idea of spending one week alone reading books and pretenting I'm having a good time. 

So I spammed my good friend Lucas from Berlin and he was in! I was so relieved to realise I wouldn't have to endure the terrible burden of small talk with my 2nd and 3rd personalities.

What can I say about that whole trip? Of course it was awesome. But this statement, though as true and accurate as hell, won't provide you with the information you might need, so I'll be more specific and answer your questions. 

How did you plan the whole trip? 

It was kind of easy. There are plenty of sites that explain you (better than this shitty blog) the different routes, price, and categories of carriage. Sites such as http://seat61.com/Trans-Siberian.htm or http://www.waytorussia.net/. 

Oh no, now most of you suckers will stop reading my blog and go check the other sites... Damn, I was never good at marketing! 

Anyway. I had to get a Russian visa at the Osaka Consulate, but I'll explain that in a post later, otherwise this would take forever - and I'm already late for my therapy session.  

We were both ok with the idea of being plain cheap and taking 3rd class, at least for a part of the trip. I wanted to leave Japan end of September, so the timeframe was settled. It would take something like one week from Vladi to Moscow, plus one day at the Baikal lake. FYI I'm not talking about some quagmire  or some swamp where congenital Siberians go fish, pee or mate. People, pay your respect to the biggest (in surface) AND deepest freshwater reservoir on the whole planet. Plus, its water is so clear you can see all the way to hell. No, seriously, the water is among the clearest on Earth. But mainstream tourists don't know that and just go there because it's a UNESCO World Heritage Site since 1996. Wow, this blog is so educational it gives me a headache! 
I wanted to stay longer and enjoy the nature and stuff, but it was not meant to be - we had to arrive earlier in Moscow, hence giving us only one day to swoon and admire the aquatic wonders of Baikal Lake. 
There are other cities along the Trans-Siberian line worth staying longer than just 20 minutes on the platform, but we didn't have time. And if you want more info, I would advise you to buy a proper travel guide, you damn cheapo! What do you think I am, a travel agency or what? 

Anyway. It all went as planed! Errrr, if I forget the part where we missed the train and had to take a cab to catch it at the next station.... I'll get to that later...

How did you buy the tickets ?

How cute! You thought we booked in advance!! That's adorable. Sorry to disappoint you - but since we suck, we didn't. As members of the Board of the Disgusting Cheapos Society, we didn't go through an agency, nor did we trust the Russian railway company website. Of course we just arrived in Vladivostok after 22h of non-stop ferry from Donghae, South Korea, and went directly to the railway station to ask about tickets. Now, you can't just show up and ask questions in English. This is Russia, hello? 

(Mind you, you also can't enter the post office of Huntsville, Alabama and assume people will speak another language than their Redneck gibberish - it's too bad for Russia that English prevailed as an international language. Poor tourists can only deplore the absence of English-speaking staff in touristy areas. If only Russians were more into English class than into class conflicts!)

Luckily we had met a nice Russian guy on the ferry, and not only did he not kill or steal from us, but he also accompanied us to the railway and translated for us - which was kind of epic, as we still didn't manage to understand anything. The train I had seen during my research was either cancelled or fully booked -  so we settled for a 3rd class compartment in a train leaving at 1am the same evening. It was also a bit more expensive than planed, and we weren't sure of the exact time of arrival in Irkutsk. Buying a ticket at the counter feels like playing Russian roulette. Who knows, you might end up in the gulag... Ahaha! But relax, you're on holidays! 

So, basically, if you are travelling with your mother-in-law or if you are particularly subject to any kind of nevrosis, never consider travelling with me and get your tickets beforehand - especially if you don't speak Russian. You can use this page which explains you step step how to buy a ticket online. http://seat61.com/Russia-trains.htm#Using the Russian Railways website. Or go through an agency, if you are stinking rich. 

How much money did you waste on this ridiculous extravangance? 

Yeah, how much did everything cost? I forgot the exact details - but it was about 210 € from Vladi to Moscow. And it could have been a bit cheaper. It really depends on the train you are taking - some lines are new, some trains are old, some stop at each stations, some don't bother. But basically, taking the train within Russia is cheap. Ok, I just checked and taking a plane would be like 25€ more expensive... and would last 6 days and 17 hours less. But shut up! Planes suck! 

What did you eat on the train? 

A very good point. Because food will, after some time, be your priority and occupation number 1. 

Very healthy breakfast. FYI this is TEA, not beer. 

You have the choice. You can either go eat at the train restaurant  - the 'German cantine' as I call it (because it tastes disgusting and is unhealthy). Quite expensive also. You can also choose to eat stuff you buy from old ladies when the trains stops for a little while at a train station - there are always old ladies who want to sell you anykind of delicious, fat and greasy food. Some vegetarian stuff also. Or if you are intelligent, you buy 3 kilos of cup noodles before boarding the train, but is that really what we want? Produce more trash? 

Another less reliable option would be to squat the first class compartments and beg people who leave the train to hand you the rest of the food they brought onboard. Yeah, Russkies never take a train without at least 2 dozens of boiled eggs, bread, mayonnaise and tomatoes. And chicken breast if you are lucky. 

Anyway, we played it cool and did a mix of everything. Besides the German cantine (where we only had one beer, once) and begging. Ok, actually we just bought cup noodles (please, dear Amazon forest, pardon me) and bread and some veggies and stuff before boarding, and also some delicious pelmeni (kind of Russian raviolis) from old ladies, and all kind of deep fried stuff. Which reminds me I should send flowers to the grave of my diet, burried somewhere in Siberia.

What are the things you need onboard (besides stoicism and sense of masochism)?

You can't survive a train ride that long without vodka (yeah, I'm a drunk, so what? But actually we were almost the only winos onboard, and our provodnik told us it was not allowed - but hey, you can always pretend you're drinking water, right?) . Anyway, you need kitchen stuff like a fork, a sharp knife (in case your neighboor snores) , a spoon and a bowl, plus a tea cup. I used a bottle of beer as a teapot. 

As for the rest, definitely take flip flops or any kind of easy-to-put-on-and-off shoes. When you board the train, enter the Dr. Farnsworth mode: forget about social decency and wear pyjamas (or comfortable clothes) and slippers all the time. Who cares! Everybody's doing it. 

About the entertainment, books and playing cards are always good. And music, if you're a music freak (by music, I mean either MP3 player, harmonica or tuba). If you don't speak the sweet language of Mother Russia, consider getting a 'conversation guide', or at least a dictionnary. We tried a mix of English, German, French, Japanese and even Swahili, but it wasn't enough to communicate... Some pictures of you, your family, dog or warts are also appreciated to help bound with your fellow Russkies. And when you are tired of talking, your earplugs and eye-cover will be quite handy to show your interlocutor that his conversation is no longer appreciated. 

We were a bit too extreme and got us some multipurpose disinfecting spray for the hands, the table, the toilets... Speaking of which: I almost forgot the item number 1, nicknamed 'white Gold' by professionals. I mean toilet paper. If you're lucky, your provodnik (each wagon has 2 employees with day and night shifts) will make sure the common parts are clean and provided with  toilet paper; but you never know. Bottomline: don't forget the White Gold Roll. 

Also keep in mind that you might not have easy access to your luggage during the train ride (they can be stored under the seats of fellow passengers and you don't want to bother that 1m90 Uzbek guy when he's taking a nap), so try and manage to stuff the things you'll need in in a smaller bag. 

What kind of services are provided onboard? 

Luxury breakfast with caviar and champagne included, karaoke room, sauna and a home cinema. Kidding. Though if you are travelling during summer, the whole 3rd compartment might get quite hot and steamy... 

Like I said, depending on your provodnik, your compartment will be cleaned daily or yearly, and there might be tissues, soap and toilet paper... Russian roulette style. 

They provide you with a mattress, some sheets and a small towel. There are some plugs here and there (suitable for basic French or German electric systems), but they are located at the end and at the beginning of the carriage - if you're a misanthropist full of fear, you might want to stay close to your Ipad charging. But people seem to keep an eye on each other's stuff, no need to be paranoid there.  We didn't get anything stolen, although we spent many hours away from our stuff... I'll get there...

And was the whole thing worth it? 

No, I missed one week of my favourite TV show and there wasn't any hot stud onboard. Such a waste of time. 
No dummies, of course it was worth it. I am happy that life, in one of her not-bitchy moments, gave me the opportunity to take this damn train. You're just sitting there, reading books, playing poker, drinking whatever cheap home-made booze you can buy on the platform, thinking about life, thinking about yourself, about your achievements, your dreams, about this blog that might just fade away in the infinity of Internet. 

You're passing through wonderful sceneries, powerful and wide rivers such as the Amour, forests of white trees, small scale meanders, little villages populated by congenital Siberians struggling for a better future (130% of which showing support to Poutvedev). 

You try to talk to people and realise the train is full of Urzbek, Turkmen, Kazahk, Tatar, Kyrgyz (try this playing Scrabble and you'll be annuitant for the rest of your life) - all of them speaking or understanding Russian well enough to communicate with each other. While they are mostly going from point A to B, either going off to work in some factory in a remote area, or returning home to their families after too many months of hard labor, you are travelling. You have the choice between plane or train, and they don't. 

It makes you think. Taking the Trans-Siberian train is a life experience - not necessarily as in life-changing, but as in piece of life. Like scraping the mold of the huge cheddar bowl that is Earth and analysing the fungus that we Humans are. 
So yeah. It was basically worth it. 

I have to go now, but a last word of advice: keep in mind the timetables of the trains. Because the train won't wait for you if you don't come back early enough from your little stroll around the city. I'll get there in the following post. 

Next time... I'll definitely go by foot. 

3 months in a nutshell

Hello, suckers!

It's been a while. I had told myself before starting this shitty trip that I would force myself to post at least one message per week. Which I didn't, obviously, otherwise I would already have won the Nobel prize for literature and the Goncourt, not to forget the Tanizaki.

But you know how life works. Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans: I got caught up in other various things, like discovering the Japanese culture, traveling around, learning vocabulary - but mostly getting drunk and having fun. My liver had to work full time, so my brain and my writing abilities were kind of on a break, like Scruffy would say.

So here I am after 3 months of silence. I guess I lost the little audience I had managed to gather, and I doubt the 11 members who spontaneously enrolled are still around to follow my adventures... But somehow, like Mulder, I want to believe there is something out there. This blog is not dead! Let me give you a reason to read me again, to comment or to wire me money to pay me an Ipad (ou me le donner gratos, hein Jeremie?). Let me try to summarize my summer.

Where should I begin? First of all, I had a blast. I won't give too many details on what I did with whom (by the way, the post concerning the point number 5 is hereby declared void: after some deeper research, I can maintain that Japanese guys have much more to offer than what I thought), but basically I saw many places, had my sister visit, climbed Fuji (TWICE, bitch!), hitchhiked again and again, went to Korea, to the best open air hot springs in Japan (which also happen to be free, BITCH!), to some small islands... Unfortunately, the adaptor that recharges my computer died on me, so there won't be many pictures.

Quoting Bismark to emphasize my thoughts:

"Alles hat ein Ende - nur die Wurst hat zwei"

(translated in English: everything has an end, only a sausage has two),

I was forced to put an end to those delightful summer days. I swam a last time in the Pacific ocean, took a last breath of fresh air and then hopped in a ferry to dirty Tokyo where I met a friend with whom I would travel back to Europe, via the transsiberian train.  

This was 3 weeks ago. I had cleaned my room, mailed heavy stuff home and stuffed all my belongings in my backpack. I left Japan the 22nd of September, and I would lie if I said that my eyes contemplating the port of Sakaiminato, from which we left, were not soaked in tears of sadness and melancholy. Nostalgia for a country that I liked, loved, despised, adored, for a country that pissed me off like hell, that blessed me with happy days and expensive but delicious food, was a beautiful feeling that I felt on that boat, looking at the horizon and at that 'departed' stamp on my passport. Those days were over.

But this feeling was not meant to last - a group of Russian seamen going all the way to Vladivostok opened bottles of Cognac and Whisky, and put us in the moral obligation to drink them with us. And then it hit me: it was time to open a new page on that book of life: Russia!!! The hell with Japan!!! now it's time for cheap vodka, delicious fat and greasy food, impolite and rude people! And more important... I was on my way home!!! (Where I should have stayed, if you ask my advice)

I'm in Moscow right now and enjoying the rudeness of the people, the presence of trashcans everywhere and the cheapness of cheese, bread, vegetables, fruits, basically everything. AH! 

I'll get to tell you more about those things I did in Japan - one day... Or should I skip all this and continue with the Russian adventures? For all I know, you should run to the nearest synagogue, church, mosque, temple or cave, light a candle and pray that I will find the strength to continue writing those messages.

Anyway. I should go. Thanks for reading.

PS: Oh, and for the record, I did win that contest. Not the best prize, but enough to be proud of myself and to buy one month of beer. Thanks a lot to those who helped. And to those who didn't: you suck!