This is it!

It's me again! (Now about to board the flight at Roissy)

I wasn't planing on writing another message until the first stop, Buenos Aires, but I'm on my way to Paris to catch my flight (yeah, the map from last post is a complete lie: I'm flying from Paris and not from Berlin - so beware, people: don't trust everything this blog says. Each word, each sentence should be analysed within and out of its context. There might be some exaggerations every now and then (actually I did some thinking and decided to stay home after all) anyway, my point is: I can't sleep any longer, so here I am! (But still tired, so don't expect to read something really funny - I suggest you switch to http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/ if you want a good laugh)

What did I do last night to be so tired? Well, it's a very rude question, so don't get used to me answering it.

As a lazy fatass (whose main activity and only reason to live is to postpone things until the very last minute), yesterday evening I chose to prepare a small presentation for the university, to wonder how to get a visa for the US, to send important mails (to be able to withdraw more money from the bank, perhaps 50€ aren't enough?), and to start packing for more or less 8 months on the road.

Ok, this is not really true (remember the 'don't trust everything on this blog' part?). The lazy fatass already had almost everything settled: visa for Japan, health insurance, enrolment at the university in Kyoto (24^th best in the world, b****!), couchsurfer in Buenos Aires... And packing was done already. But hey, it's always cooler to pretend you're stressed and in a rush. If you don't think so, it means you are old and boring.

Anyway, still trying to organize this blog here, and wondering which is best. Sticking to the boring objective truth, or pimping stories, a nip here, a tuck there? I might as well kiss the Pulitzer Prize goodbye, but I'll go for the second option. Otherwise, you'll end up reading posts like 'Yesterday I woke up, had a piece of toast, then did the dishes. Then went grocery shopping and bought some cauliflower'. Who wants to read that? Looks like a monologue in Plus belle la vie. No thanks! It's all about pimping life, my dear, and pimping I know!

Bottom line of this post: learn to think for yourself (and stop looking at silly cats with black marks on the face)

I'll see you when you'll see me! Wish me luck!

Planing

So this is the part where I explain where I'll be going and how, what I'll be doing and when (especially with whom....) , and above all, why?

- What is this fuzz all about? A trip around the world, you sucker!

- Where: around the world, you sucker!

- Ok, but where exactly? Oh, you meant in which countries? Well, just check this map made with Windows Paint®, which is an undeniable sign of lack of quality. Sorry about that. There are weird points without any links, and the localisation of the cities of some points doesn't respect the Geographical Guild. But I had a lot of fun creating this map! 

Using Windows Paint® helps me find balance in life.

- How? Unfortunately it was not possible to rent a pedalo boat from Saint Malo and paddle until Buenos Aires, so I booked a flight. The same for crossing the Pacific. But for the rest, ferry and train, so back off, eco-freaks! Some ferry from Japan to South Korea and then China, and, when the time is right, the transsiberian train aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way to St Peterburg.

This implies needing serious surgery to get rid of all the bedsores on the bottom.

- Aren't you going to feel alone at some points?

Thanks, I appreciate. But I should be fine, thanks to the Couchsurfers I'll meet along the way! Yes, I plan to stay at stranger's places, as to avoid hostels and drunk Britons doing a gap year. (Me, anti-patriotic?)

About the 'come visit me' part, feel free to... come visit me! (Damn, I'll never get the Albert Londres Prize if I don't change my prose pretty soon). Hopefully die Grosse will come for the Japan and the transsiberian part, otherwise I'm up for anything, as long as I'm making new friends (like Dr Zoidberg).

-Sure I'll come visit, but when? Well, this is the boring part. The planing!

3 weeks not eating Argentinian steaks:

Buenos Aires and the North West (Salta, Quebrada de Humahuaca, Córdoba & Valle de la luna, Mendoza)

3 weeks going aaall the way up Chile (and then aaaaall the way down...)

Mid-March: Santiago, going up, then going down. Parts with some trekking and walking on volcanoes.

3 days crossing the ocean, going back in time and getting f**** jet-lagged.

06.04: Santiago → Los Angeles (2 hours w/LB²)

07.04: LA → Hong Kong (6h)

08.04: Hong Kong → Osakaaaa (Japan)

5 months pretending I'm interested in the Japanese culture

April till mid-September: studying for half a semester at the Kyoto University (ranked 24^th best in the world, you suckers), during which:

10 days laughing at South Koreans, some time end of July-beginning of August.

6 weeks going home (wishing I had stayed there)

Theoretically, mid-September till mid-October:

2 weeks in China, then 7 days of transsiberian train to Moscou, then St Petersburg, Vilnius, Warsaw and then Berlin, gracefully avoiding Belarus, its nasty government and the 50€ visa fee. Should arrive in Berlin on the 15^th of October.

- Ok... But what will you be doing? 

Well... Discovering new cultures and new ways of life, understanding how other people live on other parts of the world, finding my inner peace, traveling in remote places, seeing wonderful and different landscapes, learning another language,... 

(Ok people, this was to reassure the family. I basically just want to get drunk all the time and test all the Love Hotels in Japan)

- This all sounds nice, but why all the stress?

Well, there was nothing good on TV.

Welcome!

Welcome, dearest reader! 
 

Before I start talking about my extravagant travels that will occur starting next week, let me introduce this blog and its purpose to you.

First of all, the blog will be written in Sarcasm, with some subtitles in English during the most difficult parts. Bad jokes will be made, sentences with implicit sexual references will be written, and insults against all kind of minorities will be proffered. If you are not in the position of understanding the subtile language of Irony, please refer to Google Translator for further assistance, or simply get a brain that works.

Writing a blog is great for people having something interesting to say or to write about, but some seem to take themselves too seriously. Let us not forget that blogging can also be used as a device to show off, with photoshopped pictures posted with the only purpose of making the few readers jealous. And that's a sad purpose, if you want my advice.

To which category this blog belongs? Serious uptight boring crap or the 'been there, done that' ego trip? Well, part of me is dying to show off (who wouldn't? You, maybe?), so I might at some points, but basically I just want to write funny stuff about this trip, without pretending I've seen it all.

Which brings me to the next point: why this name? Why would I imply that it's best to stay home? Well, here's a hint: re-read the first sentence of the first paragraph. 2 reasons:

1- When you travel, you might encounter small or big problems and find yourself in uncomfortable situations, it's part of the deal. I plan to avoid such inconveniences, but I seem to attract them. So, instead of blaming myself for my impulsiveness and lack of straight-thinking, wishing I had stayed home, I plan to write about it and get people to laugh. I might have lost my passport, have got bitten by a street dog or lost my pride during a wet T-shirt contest, but knowing that it will make your day will make it a little less horrible.

2- When you travel, you discover other ways of living which can be quite disturbing (especially when you have high French standards). It's all about being open-minded and accept other countries cultural differences. No thanks! I'd rather criticise all of it. I mean, when you learn that in some countries they drink Sauerkrauft juice and spread butter AND Nutella on toast, well, you definitely want to stay home.

Thanks for reading, any comment is appreciated! Even critics! Even insults! Please, I need friends! Show me that you are out there, reading me!

Claire